【The Erotic Adventures of Zorro】

President Trump has resisted extraordinary pressure to release his tax returns,The Erotic Adventures of Zorro and as someone who struggles with some of the very same issues, I can completely sympathize.

Sure, I may not *technically* be leader of the free world. I'm not shattering decades of historical precedent and my returns probably won't reveal any collusion with one of our leading foreign adversaries. Still, there's so much we have in common.

SEE ALSO: There's a reason why you feel like time is moving slower in Trump's America

President Trump, if you're listening to this, know that you're not alone. There are others like you out there who are trying to resist the tidal pressure of the mainstream media mob.

Here are just a few reasons why both President Trump and I are worried about releasing our tax returns.

1. If we show them to people, they will laugh at us

Credit: AP/REX/Shutterstock

Trump routinely brags about his net worth, estimating it to be around $362 million dollars, even though his actual net worth is estimated to be just $123 million dollars. Apparently, this causes Trump acute embarrassment.

I estimate that I have 362 million pennies at the bottom of my backpack right now, though it's likely much less.

2. We actually don't know how taxes work and have to make smart people do them for us

Via Giphy

Trump uses expensive outside accountants, I use Turbo Tax or have my much smarter roommate do them after I start crying in the living room.

3. It's possible we accidentally committed one or two minor federal crimes we're fully confident everyone else commits anyways

Pundits have suggested that Trump's tax returns could expose potential mob ties or fraud.

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Because I get bored when I fill out my taxes, I check as few boxes as possible so I can finish it quickly. I have no idea what I'm reading and it's therefore plausible I committed a pesky federal crime.

4. I imagine we both had one or two unsavory jobs in the past decade we don't want people to know about

Via Giphy

Trump's tax returns may very well reveal some unsavory/potentially treasonous business ties he has to Russia.

Mine may include a certain highly embarrassing children's birthday party entertainer job I had for the last 10 years of my life.

6. If we look at how much we've made in the past few years, it makes us feel sad

Trump's net worth is estimated to be much lower than he reports it to be.

Living in New York, I am estimated to have enough money to buy a house approximately 200 years after I die.

7. We don't exactly "donate" to charity

@realDonaldTrump @billmaher I guess this explains the obsession with all things gold. #goldenshowers pic.twitter.com/Snj3vAqfj8

— NotDonald Trump (@Why_Not_Trump) January 11, 2017

Of course we did, we just don't have any "legal" proof of it, you know?

8. Everyone keeps yelling at us to do it

Trump doesn't want to release his returns just because the vast majority of Americans, journalists, and leaders worldwide want to see them.

I'm not about to show my tax returns to my grandma because she's worried I'm not saving for some mysterious "future" I'm supposed to have. No way, grandma.

Trump has shown me the way.

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